Fields of Gold
by Clear Skies
Summary: "His song came on the radio the other night. I was driving, and I had to pull over because I just couldn’t see any more. It’s been so long, and yet his memory still has the power to make me cry" - sad Taito deathfic.
1. Fields of Gold

A/N: Um. Well. Yes.   
This is The Fic I Promised Myself I'd Never Write. And I've written it. Hm.   
Anyway. I have a few people to thank for this. First and foremost, Debra, for writing Bittersweet Symphony, the greatest fic on ff.net. Second, AtheneMiranda for liking this damn thing in the first place. If she hadn't, it would not be here today. (Plus I probably nicked a concept or two from _Des Chagrins_ of hers - see what you think...)   
Other than that...um. Warnings. Angst, sap, fluff, lime, will quite probably make you cry (it did me when I was writing it).   
Disclaimers: Don't own Digimon. don't own the copyright to Fields of Gold (originally by Sting; Eva Cassidy did a fantastic version too). Therefore, do not sue.   
Read on! (And don't forget to review, ne?)   
  
  
  


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_You'll remember me when the west wind moves   
Upon the fields of barley   
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky   
As we walk in fields of gold   
  
I can see my house from up here... _  
I chuckle as the childish sentiment flits through my mind. I can indeed see my house from up here, along with the rest of Japan and a decent slice of the rest of the world.   
I remember when I first arrived here, confused, scared and in pain. I remember the slow fading of my anguish, the dawning of peace, and the wonder at how beautiful the world looked. I remember wishing I could be back in Odaiba...   
...and suddenly I was there, back amongst the tower blocks, just outside the park where I collapsed. I never learnt why - by the time they got me to the hospital I must've been unconscious. The last thing I remember before waking up here was Tai leaning over me, face full of concern, tears collecting unshed in the corners of his eyes, then escaping to flow freely down his cheeks.   
_"You're going to be all right, Matt. The doctors are going to help you. You hear me? You're going to be fine."   
_I remember thinking, _why are you bothering to lie to me? You know I can always tell when you're lying,_ and then his face swam out of focus and everything went dark.   
  
And there I was again, as though none of it had ever happened, as though it was the same hot summer day and we were wandering through the park eating our ice creams and everything was fine.   
Only it wasn't. There were people all around me, but none of them seemed to see me - their eyes just slid over me as though I wasn't even there. I tried calling out to people - quietly at first, then louder and louder as my desperation increased, until finally I was stood in the middle of the street screaming at the top of my voice.   
Eventually I gave up, exhausted. They couldn't hear me, they couldn't see me. I couldn't even touch them - my hand went through this little girl as though I were nothing more than smoke. She shivered and ran off.   
I was still new here at that time - I didn't understand things the way I do now. I started crying uncontrollably when I realised what'd happened, that I was really...dead.   
I wished then that I could see my family, and just like before I was there instantly. They were still at the hospital, sat at my bedside. Mum was sobbing into a tissue, while TK cried quietly and Dad stood behind them both, hands on their shoulders, his face tired and haggard. I tried to talk to them, to tell them it was all right, that I wasn't really gone, but they couldn't hear me either. I thought TK could, at first, because he lifted his head and looked right at me, but then he shook his head and buried his face in his hands.   
I couldn't stand that for long. Seeing them so unhappy, and knowing it was all because of me, was just too much. I ended up back out here amongst the stars, looking down on everything.   
That's when John turned up, seemingly out of nowhere. He looked about my own age, and had brown hair and green eyes. He had an English accent - I later found out his mother was English and his father American.   
We talked for a long time. At first all I could do was cry, but he helped get me past that. He said that it wasn't so bad, that I could watch my friends and family and anyone else I wanted to see. He told me just to think of it like a change of role - instead of player, I was spectator; instead of actor, audience. He also told me that I could stay here as long as I wanted, until I chose to cross over.   
I asked him how he'd come to be here, and he said he'd been in a bad car accident. Then I asked him why he hadn't crossed over yet, and he smiled at me. He said almost everyone waited for someone, and he was waiting for his mother. When she got here, they were going to cross over together.   
When I heard that, I had only one thought. I said goodbye to John, and he smiled and asked who I was going to see. I told him, and he wished me good luck.   
  
_So he took his love   
For to gaze awhile   
Upon the fields of barley   
In his arms he fell as his hair came down   
Among the fields of gold   
Will you stay with me, will you be my love   
Among the fields of barley?   
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky   
As we lie in fields of gold   
_   
He was there, right where I'd expected him to be. He'd obviously gone straight there.   
  
I remember that place so well. A little country lane, within walking distance of the city but you'd never know it. It was so quiet and peaceful, the golden fields on either side rippling gently in the breeze.   
It all came flooding back to me - the first time we came out here. We walked all the way here, his hand in mine, just talking and laughing. We stopped by that very gate, leaning on the top rail. He put his arm around me, rested his head on my shoulder. I felt so happy and contented.   
We stood there for ages, neither of us speaking, just loving being together. I planted little kisses in his hair; he replied by nuzzling my neck. Then he turned his head up and whispered in my ear. At first I refused to go along with him, but eventually he convinced me. He slipped the bolt on the gate, and led me out into the middle of the field.   
It was wonderful. We lay on our backs within easy touching distance, looking up at the clear blue sky and watching the golden stalks of barley swaying above us. He kissed my neck; I twined my fingers in his hair. He stroked my stomach through my T-shirt; I rolled on top of him. My hair fell over my face like a curtain, creating a tiny little space in which no-one but the two of us existed. I kissed him, long and deep and lingering, and when it ended he kissed me back, strong and daring and adventurous. His hands slipped down my back, hunting for the skin underneath the hem of my shirt; I pressed hungry kisses into his neck as he stroked his way slowly up my back.   
We made love then, there amongst the shifting stems of barley. He was gentle and careful, and when it came the moment was indescribably perfect. We lay there afterwards, twined around each other, sharing little kisses, and we whispered our love to each other.   
I found him there, leaning on the same gate, tears flowing unchecked. I wanted to reach out and touch him, take him in my arms and hold him close and tell him that everything was going to be all right. Unfortunately, I couldn't - and that hurt so much.   
Then, suddenly, his head came up and around and he looked straight at me - not like TK had done, uncertainly and with half-closed eyes, but wide-eyed and incredulous.   
"Matt?"   
I couldn't believe it - he could see me! I didn't know what to say - I just stood there with my mouth open.   
He leapt forward and grabbed me in a massive hug - he could _touch_ me! I was ecstatic - I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him back. We stood there for ages, just holding each other, unspoken feelings flowing back and forth.   
Eventually he released me and stood back, scrubbing tears out of his eyes. "God, Matt, I've missed you so much...How on earth are you here?"   
I told him then, told him everything about what had happened to me. When I'd finished he hugged me again, so tightly I thought I was going to snap in half. I held him, let him cry, cried myself.   
"Tai, oh Tai, I missed you too..."   
  
_See the west wind move like a lover so   
Upon the fields of barley   
Feel his body rise when you kiss his mouth   
Among the fields of gold   
_   
After what seemed like hours, he lifted a tear-stained face to mine.   
"I love you."   
My heart broke. To hear him say those words, here, so close to the place where we first made love...I couldn't bear it. I turned away - I didn't want him to see me cry.   
He wouldn't let me. His grip on my arm was too tight. He cupped my cheek with one hand, pulled me back around to face him, kissed me softly. I cried, my tears soaking my cheeks as his lips pressed against mine.   
"I love you too," I whispered brokenly when we parted.   
He tugged gently on my arm. I resisted, but he only pulled harder. Eventually I gave in and allowed myself to be led over to the gate. He slipped his arm around me and laid his head on my shoulder - the exact same position...   
I began to cry again, my quiet tears watering his hair. He wiped my cheek with the back of his finger, moisture glistening unshed in his own eyes.   
"Don't cry. Please don't cry." He slipped out from under my arm and I groped blindly for him, terrified of being separated from him again. He caught my hand, gave it a reassuring squeeze, then slipped the catch on the gate and led me gently into the field.   
I followed in his wake, the rippling stalks of barley passing through my legs as though I wasn't even there. Nothing felt solid – only the warm touch of his hand in mine served to convince me that I still existed at all.   
He pulled me to him as we reached the middle of the field, his body pressed warm and inviting against me. I tried desperately not to cry as he kissed lightly at my neck, moving down to caress my collarbone with the tip of his tongue. When his hands slid up to tease at the top button of my shirt I couldn't take it any longer. I shoved him away, spun round, let the tears swell up hot and stinging in my eyes.   
"What?" he asked softly, his voice full of concern.   
"I...can't," I whispered, blistering tears still spilling down my face.   
"Why?"   
"Because..." I couldn't find the words to say what I wanted to, to tell him that it would be too painful. "It's too hard. We'll never be able to do this properly again."   
"So?" His hands slid up my back underneath my shirt, tender and inviting. His breath was hot on my neck as he leaned forward. "Let's take this chance. _I still love you_."   
I turned back to him, clung to him, buried my face in his neck and sobbed until my throat was raw. He held me as though I was the most fragile thing in the universe, stroking my hair and whispering meaningless, soothing words in my ear. Finally I looked up at him, at those big dark eyes set in that perfect face. He smiled down at me, and I thought my heart would melt. I thought I'd lost him forever, and here I was being given a second chance that I didn't deserve and that I couldn't bear to waste...   
Slowly, giving me every opportunity to pull away or turn my head, he leant down towards me. I half expected his lips to go straight through me, but instead I felt them press up against mine, warm and loving. He opened his mouth, and suddenly I was kissing him deeply and passionately and daringly, exactly the way it used to be...   
I came to my senses a few minutes later, drifting back from that haze induced by the sensation of his mouth. He tasted of coffee and fruit and the sugar he really needs to cut down on.   
Suddenly, with a pang, I realised I wasn't going to be there to tease him about being hyperactive any more. I wouldn't be able to stroke his hair or talk about school with him or do _anything_ any more. There were a thousand things I'd miss about him, from the way his face lit up when he smiled to his ability to cheer me up no matter what had happened. I didn't want to leave him, but I knew this spun-glass moment could shatter at any time. I had to do something...   
Even as I realised what I had to do, he slipped his arms around my neck and pulled me down amongst the golden barley...   
  
His hands were gentle as he undid the buttons on my shirt and slipped it off. I gasped as he stroked my naked back lightly, with the tip of one finger. His shirt fell open beneath my fingers, and then he wrapped his warm arms around me and pulled me down onto his waiting lips...   
He looked beautiful, afterwards. I stroked a tendril of hair out of his eyes, kissed him gently. I knew we didn't have long together, and yet I never wanted this to end. I would have given anything to be able to stand up and walk back into my life, see my family, speak to my friends, kiss my boyfriend.   
He knew. Tai could always read me like a book. He reached up and slid his hand through my hair; I leaned into his touch, nuzzling his palm and kissing gently at his fingers.   
"Don't cry."   
Even as he said it the first tear escaped my control and slid down my cheek. He held me and rocked me and we cried together, so happy to have been given a second chance but so sad that it had to be so brief.   
Eventually I ran out of tears, and we dressed in silence that hummed with all the things we wanted to say to each other.   
There was no time. As we walked together out of the field his hand slipped out of mine. I reached for him again, not wanting to believe it, but his fingers slid straight through his. He understood - tears collected silently in his eyes before spilling down his cheeks.   
I wanted to wipe them away, but I couldn't. I wanted to kiss him, but I couldn't. I wanted to take him in my arms, hold him close, but time was running out.   
"I love you."   
His eyes met mine, and I knew I didn't have to say anything else.   
"I love you too." He pressed two fingers to his lips, kissed them, blew the kiss at me. I caught it and pressed it to my heart.   
Suddenly, I remembered what I had to do. Something John said had stuck in my mind - '_the strongest memories are your best link to the world_'.   
What better memory than here, the place where we first made love? What better date than this, one year on from that event?   
I could feel myself slipping away from Tai. I reached out to him, pouring as much love into my eyes as I could.   
"_Koi_...come back in a year."   
  
_I never made promises lightly   
And there have been some that I've broken   
But I swear, in the days still left   
We'll walk in fields of gold   
_   
He looked startled, but nodded through his tears. "I'll be here."   
I couldn't bear his expression as I faded from his sight. I turned my head away and cried more than ever before.   
When he finally walked away I wanted so badly to go with him, but it was too painful. I loved him so much...   
A year came and went. I watched my family rebuild their lives, saw my friends grow up, but above all I watched Tai. I was there every time he laughed or cried. When he scored the winning goal in the schools' soccer tournament, I cheered; when he aced his exams, I celebrated.   
And when a year was over, he was there, leaning on the old wooden gate. I saw his eyes light up as I approached. He didn't say anything, just took my hand and kissed it as he drew me out amongst the bronzed stalks of barley and gently, tenderly, made love to me.   
  
_Many years have passed since those summer days   
Among the fields of barley   
See the children run as the sun goes down   
Among the fields of gold   
_   
That's how it's been ever since. I've watched him through university, followed his successful career, applauded the friends he made and celebrated his triumphs. He's always known I was there - sometimes there's that secret wink or surreptitiously-blown kiss that says 'I know you're watching'. And every year, right on time, he waits for me by the old wooden gate, and for one perfect stolen moment we make tender love in the shifting field of grain.   
He's older now, of course, almost fifty - I wish I were there to tease him about those first few strands of silver hair - but when I walk up to that gate I still see the hyperactive, sugar-craving seventeen-year-old I fell in love with. Though we were only together for one fleeting year, I still love him - and he still loves me, after all this time.   
Some day he'll join me, and when he does I'll take his hand and we'll cross over together, into the light and warmth and laughter on the other side. Until then, I need no light but the sparkle in his eyes, no warmth but that of his smile, and no laughter but his.   
I love you, Tai. Always.   
  
_You'll remember me when the west wind moves   
Upon the field of barley   
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky _  
_When we walked in fields of gold..._


	2. There You'll Be

A/N: I _must_ stop doing this.   
Warnings: more sap, more angst, more lime, may make you cry. If it doesn't...well, you're made of sterner stuff than I am.   
Disclaimer: come on, you already know I don't own it. And I don't own _There You'll Be_ by Faith Hill either. But major, major kudos to her for being such an incredible singer.   
Thanks go to _everyone_ who reviewed the first chapter. Thank you all SO much. Without you, this chapter wouldn't be here. I only hope it's OK.   
  
  
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I can remember exactly how it happened, so clearly it's as if I'm reliving the whole thing.   
  
The disbelief was the first thing I remember - the sheer shock of it. A healthy seventeen year old boy doesn't collapse just like that. My mind went into overdrive, trying to come up with some other explanation - he was fooling around, playing a joke or something. Deep down, though, the hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach told me all I needed to know.   
It was then that the whole feeling of unreality set in. I cradled his head in my lap, stroked strands of golden hair away from his face, pleaded with him to wake up. Around me everything seemed to slow down and fade into the background. The words of concerned passers-by fell on deaf ears. I couldn't hear the traffic, or any of the everyday sounds of the city. Even the ambulance siren, when it came, was muted. My whole life concentrated down onto the horribly slow rise and fall of his chest, the soft sounds of his desperately shallow breathing.   
  
That ambulance ride still stays with me, even today. No-one looks their best on a stretcher, surrounded by metal painted Antiseptic White, but even then I knew it was bad. He didn't respond to anything, not words, not touches, not even the desperate kisses I sneaked when I thought the paramedic woman wasn't watching.   
And then, when we reached the hospital, that horrible moment of false, empty hope when his eyes opened. I tried not to cry, babbled some stupid platitude about everything being fine, but he looked straight through me before his eyes flickered shut again.   
  
It wasn't fair. It _isn't_ fair. Not now, not then, not ever. What we _did_ is completely overshadowed by what we _didn't_ do, everything we could have done but weren't allowed to. That's...that was the thing about Matt, though. He made every little thing so special...   
  
_When I think back on these times   
And the dreams we left behind   
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get   
To have you in my life   
When I look back on these days   
I look and see your face   
You were right there for me   
_   
One year. That's all we were given. Not even that long - he died the day before our one-year anniversary. Yet somehow that year was the best, happiest, most _alive_ year of my life. Matt and I were inseparable - we went everywhere and did everything together. I don't have a single memory of that time that doesn't include him - laughing at a joke, or giving me a radiant smile, or stroking my hair tenderly.   
I'm so lucky to have had him, no matter for how short a time. He was what made me whole. I loved him more than anything - more than family or friends, more than life. I was with him every moment possible.   
_And he's still with me...   
_   
_In my dreams I'll always see you   
Soar above the sky   
In my heart there'll always be a place for you   
For all my life   
I'll keep a part of you with me   
And everywhere I am there you'll be   
_   
I got the biggest shock of my life when he turned up at the gate. I'd had enough, been unable to take any more of the well-meaning phone calls and sympathy cards, the 'pat pat's and 'there there's. I walked away from it all, going to the one place only he and I knew about. I cried so hard, knowing I could never bring him back, could never see him again. That's why I was so incredulous when I _did_ see him...   
My brain completely froze - I choked out a disbelieving 'Matt?', then saw his face crumple into tears. I could never bear to see him cry, so I threw myself at him and held him tight, only to find moisture in my eyes too. I cried floods of tears, not knowing or caring how he was there, just praying it could last forever.   
Of course, I knew as well as he did that that was more than we could hope for, so I resolved to make as much of our time together as possible.   
  
I had to ask, obviously. How was he here? He tightened his arms around me and spilled out this wild story in a rush of words. Half of it I didn't understand, the other half I almost couldn't believe. I pushed it aside, though - all I cared about was the fact that he was _here_, standing right in front of me. The love of my life, who had died just the day before, had somehow come back to me, and for that moment he was all the mattered to me in the world. I led him over to the gate, kissed away his tears, cried myself. After a few minutes of just holding him in my arms, I opened the gate and led him out into the field.   
  
It was strange, I guess. So perfect, so incredibly perfect, like an answer to my prayers, but still...strange. I held him carefully, scared that if I touched him too clumsily he'd shatter or vanish. He kept stroking my face, running his fingers gently over my lips as if to reassure himself that he could touch me. All the emotion, all the love I had for him came welling up again, overwhelming me. I never wanted to let him go, even though I knew that I'd have to all too soon...   
  
His touches were so light on my skin, the way they always were. I caught one of his hands and brought it to my lips, tracing his long fingers with my tongue. He smiled down at me, sadness and love mixing on his face, framed by a halo of golden hair.   
Someone once called his hair 'corn blonde', but out there it was obvious how wrong they were. The rippling field of barley was dull by comparison. His hair shone like liquid sunlight, and was warm against my fingers when I slid my hand up his cheek and through the soft strands. The whole world seemed washed out compared to him - he looked so bright and beautiful. His eyes were bluer than the sky, his creamy skin whiter than the clouds. Everything about him was so intense my heart nearly broke.   
  
We got dressed in silence, afterwards. I couldn't think of anything to say - what _do_ you say to someone who's...dead?   
I hate that word. Dead. So leaden and final. Matt's _not_ dead. He's still alive.   
It's hard to explain, but somehow it all started when his hand slipped out of mine. When I realised he was fading, my stomach turned over. My eyes were so full of tears I couldn't see. He said he loved me; I blinked away my tears and blew him a kiss, which he caught. I told him I loved him too.   
Then he looked at me, sorrow and love fighting in his eyes, and told me to come back in a year. I thought he was just saying it to make me feel better. I wanted to believe it so much, but I didn't dare. Somehow I knew I'd never see him again.   
  
That year was the hardest I've ever had to live through. Rebuilding my life without Matt was like trying to build a wall without mortar - long, exhausting work, and everything fell apart again at the slightest thing. I remember going into my room and seeing a picture of the two of us, grinning like idiots, hugging each other in that new-love way. I broke down in tears - I couldn't stand knowing that he'd left me. I cried hundreds of times - when mum took his number off the speed dial, when I found a letter he'd written me, when everyone got together and _he wasn't there..._   
  
Somehow, though, at the end of that year my feet drew me back to the old wooden gate. I was terrified and resigned at the same time - I dreaded him not turning up, and yet I knew deep inside that he wasn't going to.   
He did. I was ecstatic at seeing him again, despite everything, despite knowing that he was...no longer in this world. We hugged, kissed, and then I took his hand and we...made love.   
The difference was, when he faded...some part of him stayed with me.   
  
_Well you showed me how it feels   
To feel the sky within my reach   
And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me   
Your love made me make it through   
Oh, I owe so much to you   
You were right there for me   
_   
It was my first day at university. I'd left high school behind grudgingly, not wanting to relinquish all the memories of Matt, not wanting to forget that precious year.   
There was such a crowd that morning. Everyone was rushing to sign up for their new courses, and I felt so alone. Everywhere people were talking and laughing, and I was in the middle of it all. Suddenly, something caught my eye - like sunlight reflected off a mirror. I looked up and there he was, his golden hair glowing softly in the morning light. He looked at me, and gave me that wonderful smile - not the dazzling one that first attracted me, but the secret, shy smile I fell in love with.   
Some passer-by walked across my line of sight, and by the time I could see again he'd gone, leaving my heart unsure whether to wrench with loss or lurch with joy.   
It's been like that ever since. Every time I've made some big step, achieved something major, he's been there - always in the background, but always there.   
  
Matt was always my strength. When I didn't believe I could do something, he'd reassure me, tell me he believed in me. And I did it. When I swore I was going to get a D in geography, he sat up with me every night, talking me through exercise after exercise until I came out with an A. When I sprained my ankle two days before the biggest soccer match of my life, he bathed it, massaged it, even fell asleep holding an ice pack on it. And it was better, and we won.   
Now, although he can't do that sort of thing any more, he's still there for me. When I need him most, he's there. On those long nights when I'm so lonely I could cry, I can feel him lying next to me, holding me. On the day I graduated from university, I saw him in the crowd, and his blue eyes locked with mine for just one stolen second. I know he's watching me. Everything I do, I do it for him. He's my reason.   
People always ask me why I don't put flowers on his grave, and if I were to answer I'd say - because I know he isn't there. He's somewhere else, somewhere just out of reach but close enough for me to see him. And once a year, I get to hold him, touch him, make love to him.   
  
_'Cause I always saw in you my light   
My strength   
And I want to thank you now for all the ways   
You were right there for me   
Always   
_   
That's another thing everyone invariably asks me. Why am I still single, after all these years?   
They can never see that I'm _not_. Just because Matt's not with me doesn't mean my heart's not with him. I think about him every single day of my life. I'm still desperately in love with him, the way I always was. We may only get to see each other once a year, but it's almost enough..._almost_...   
_Matt_...why can't I have you back? Why can't you be here, in my arms, and everything be like it used to?   
Of course I know it can't, but that doesn't stop me wishing.   
I still remember so much about him. How warm his arms were that night when we sat together on the hillside above Odaiba, watching the stars come out one by one and sharing slow kisses. How soft his hair was against my fingers on those long evenings when we'd just sit together in front of the fire. How beautiful he looked, lying on top of me, surrounded by shifting stalks of barley. If I concentrate, I can visualise him - leaning on our gate, looking up at me through his hair, smiling at me.   
I prefer not to do that. It makes me cry too much.   
  
His song came on the radio the other night. I was driving, and I had to pull over because I just couldn't see any more. My eyes were full of tears; the road was just a dark blur. It's been so long, and yet his memory still has the power to make me cry.   
I parked the car, shut off the lights, climbed out. The air was crisp and cold, almost taking my breath away. Behind me, in the car, the song played on, the gentle beat and smooth lyrics rolling out into the night. I stuck my hands in my pockets to keep them warm and just cried. I cried for Matt, for all the years we never got to spend together, for all the things we never did. I cried because I still loved him, more than ever. Most of all, I cried because I could feel him there, and yet I couldn't touch him.   
I felt so empty, afterwards. So alone, like no-one in the world cared about me. I was desperate to have Matt there, to hold him tight and bury my face in his hair, but I couldn't.   
One day, though, I will. I know I'll see him again, and then I'll be able to take his hand, pull him close to me and kiss him. Then I'll be whole again, instead of the half-empty shell he left behind.   
Matt...please wait for me...   
  
_In my dreams I'll always see you   
Soar above the sky   
In my heart there'll always be a place for you   
For all my life   
I'll keep a part of you with me   
And everywhere I am there you'll be   
  
There you'll be..._


End file.
